a New Year

You know I'd forgotten I'd started this.
My life, somewhat a roller coaster in the last nine months.

It all came to fruition.
Albeit not perhaps in the way I had planned.

I am single. I sit here typing this, alone in my little flat. Well, alone in the human sense of the word, I have my fury, four legged companions to keep me company.

Single.
I'm still rolling that word around in my mouth, getting used to the taste of it.
Not only that, but a new job awaits me in 6 short days too.
All Change, which I'm told is most uncharacteristic of a Taurean. (Not sure how much of that I actually buy into of course). Apparently we're not ones for upheaval.

I'm honestly excited. I'm on the cusp of a new year and it feels like it's really going to be a year of adventure and I'm not scared or apprehensive, I have a good feeling about this.

It wasn't easy.
As a creature of habit, there were times that my cautious nature screamed at me to stop. That the 'me' that loves security and safety, stood at the door I was about to open trying to bar me from turning the handle.
It hurt.
Ending a relationship where you actually still love someone, because you know it's for the best, that you have no future and that you ultimately want them to have everything they desire, is heartbreaking.
Telling your boss of over a decade that you have been for an interview and have accepted a job, when you really have no other reason to leave than you feel it is time.. Well let's just say he hasn't been my biggest fan for the past two months.

It was time, it is time.

So here I am.
Plans galore, although I say that, but I don't really have any plans. I've never been single, so I don't really know what to expect. I've also been in the same job for 98% of my working life, so not entirely sure how another role, in another industry, with different bosses is going to work.
Perhaps that's a good thing. I have planned everything for the last 20 years of my life and now.. other than making sure what needs to be taken care of, is done so.. The rest is a blank page.

I will endeavour to write frequently, to tell you how the story unfolds.

becoming a serial 'killer'

No, i'm not sitting here sharpening knives and I don't have a wall pasted with stalker related material.

I am a 'serialist'. Not a word I know, sorry.
I haven't been single in 20 years. Whilst I have been in a number of relationships (3 to be exact) during that time, there wasn't really a gap in between.
I have worked for the same company for over 15 years, tempted to try something new over the years but never have.

Maybe it's loyalty, maybe it's better the devil you know. Maybe it's the lure of safety.

Whatever the reason, once ensconced in something I know, love and feel safe in, I rarely entertain the idea of anything different.  Who would? I hear you ask. Surely that's what the majority of us are looking for?

But what happens when the cracks start to appear, do you ignore them in place of contentment? How much do you ignore or compromise on in order to maintain something you've known for years.

So here I am.
'on the cusp of'
A year of monumental change awaits me.

My relationship has no future. Such a cold statement when you consider all that's actually involved, but a fundamental fact nonetheless. This acknowledgement and the knowledge that I am going to have to address that, has forced my hand on the employment front also. I cannot survive, support my daughter and have any semblance of the life I know on my salary alone.

So, each little step taken with trepidation and maybe, underneath the gut churning angst and apprehension.. a glimmer of excitement too.

It feels like I'm holding my breath a little.